Pro Bored

If you didn’t catch Sunday’s Pro Bowl in Miami here’s what you missed:

One of the leagues best quarterbacks, Aaron Rodgers, hit Steve Smith and DeSean Jackson for touchdown strikes. Division rivals James Harrison and Ray Lewis put aside their differences and converged on tackles. And the NFL’s best linemen, whoever they may be, did their thing, whatever that is.

I’m sorry to say, those of you who did tune in for the game actually missed more.

For starters—well, there were none. Thirteen of the original starters were replaced due to injuries or the Superbowl. The AFC had a harder time finding a quarterback than I have finding readers of Quick Slants. Payton Manning sat out since he is slated to win the Superbowl on Sunday and Tom Brady begged off to lick his wounds. That left Matt Schaub to call plays for his fellow over paid, under enthused B-listers.

In total, 32 players sat out (17 for injuries, 14 for the Superbowl.) Sticklers for statistics might notice that my numbers don’t add up, 17 + 14 = 31. That’s because there was also the case of the missing tackle. NFC coaches thought they part of a new reality TV version of CSI Miami when Bryant McKinnie was a no-show at two team practices. Clues to the case of the missing meat-head turned up on offensive tackle’s Twitter account, which alluded to partying instead of practicing and lead the team to dismiss McKinnie.

The result was no better from the stars that did suit up.

Foreign offensive and defensive schemes forced players out of position. Steeler’s linebacker LaMaar Woodley earned his ticket to Miami with 13.5 sacks and 62 tackles in the regular season. But the 3-4 AFC defense forced Woodley into coverage, something he rarely does in Pittsburgh, and the NFL exploited him repeatedly on a second quarter scoring drive.

Unfamiliar terminology and play calling confused offensive players as well. Quarterbacks were mic’d up for the game, so fans got to hear the offensive calls followed by receivers asking the QB to put the complicated number system into words they could understand. “Quick out!” the play-caller’s directed.

General lack of effort, pathetic tackling and receivers racing for the sideline to avoid contact made for a long night of television viewing. Fans reaching for the remote turned the channel to something a little more exciting like American Idol reruns or the Hallmark Channel.

The Pro Bowl should match up the best players in the league and should be sweeter than a bowl of Lucky Charms with only the marshmallows. You know, none of those bland X’s and O’s But this game was harder to get through than a bowl of yesterday’s oatmeal.

The NFL should know that we football fans like our games the way we like our breakfast. We don’t care about sweets and gimmicks; we need something satisfying that we can sink our teeth into, something with some meat and grits. And maybe some Flutie flakes on the side.